No, it was this lovely lady's. We went to Dublin. I have never been to Ireland before, let alone Dublin so was majorly looking forward to this. Dublin was meant to be a surprise, but at least 3 people managed to give the game away by accident, myself included. Twice. Once on twitter, once in real life. It's actually really hard.
Friday
For some unknown reason I'd booked flights from Manchester (I don't live there), think I suffered some kind of temporary stroke back in January or whenever it was I bought them.
Then, for some other unknown, temporary insanity reason I got to the airport ridiculously early. I had a pint by myself, and had a bit of a people watch in Terminal 3.
This taught me that basically Terminal 3 is full of boring middle aged people.
Thankfully, some of my friends, including the hen turned up and we got on the flight. It was a bit stressful as they had managed to get lost in the airport carpark, and then my friend Mouse got a spontaneous nosebleed, no-one in the car had tissues, so they improvised and used.....a sanitary towel. PAHAHA
Flight was mercifully short, and free of incident. We went straight to the hostel, got settled in, bought some booze, started to get ready etc etc
Gradually everyone arrived (we were coming from all over the country, the northwest, London, Ediburgh...), one girl missed her flight due to TFL f*ckups, but managed to get on a later one- phew!
We got ready, pre-gamed and the beautiful t-shirts were given out:
As you can see, they are a beautiful lime green colour. We actually looked hot in them. Mine was as long as my dress. Standard. I got asked later in the night if "I'd taken my dress off..." No. It's just short.
Also, as a side note, making everyone wear the same brightly coloured top is an excellent way to keep tabs on everyone, and an easy way to round everyone up to move onto the next club.
We went out for a meal and then onto some clubs. We had an inflatable man with us (complete with inflatable penis) who got thoroughly abused ALL NIGHT. Mainly by men. Funny, that. At one point he got confiscated by the bouncer and put in the cloak room. Poor Roger.....
The hen's cousins also made this huge cock model. It was fairly disgusting. At some point a condom got put on it, and it generally got waved/poked in everyone's faces at some point. Again, I feel this is pretty standard hen do behaviour.
So we went to 3 different places, but I'd struggle to tell you anything about them. I was pretty mashed. Some might even say I was Capital T. (Probably). I'll do a blog post about the concept of Capital T one of these days, but for the uninitiated, Capital T is the person on a night out who is "The Drunkest." I took my heels off at one point and replaced them with my flats, which unfortunately were flip flops. I was wearing tights. It's a good look. The token gay male in our group physically couldn't handle me doing this, and at one point actually threw said offending items across the club.
My shoes were returned to me by two American 18 year olds ("We're actually nearly 19") who we'd managed to pick up somewhere and followed us around everywhere. At some point someone called it a night and we went home. At least 4 people were sick.
Saturday
Well I struggled for quite a lot of this day. We got up, had food, attempted the Guiness factory but abandoned it on account of it being too damn expensive, then went for our Irish Dancing Lesson.
Yeah, you heard.
Irish Dancing. You know, Michael Flatley, Riverdance, THAT Irish Dancing.
I have never laughed so much in all my life.
The Second Night Out involved eating in the hostel, whilst playing a number of drinking games, including "I Have Never Ever," - possibly the most enlightening version of this game I have ever played. It established a number of things including:
I am the sluttiest of the group, the number of people I've slept with being the highest out of all of us. (Remind me to do a separate post about this, I have lots of thoughts on this topic)
Being the only male in a large group of women means you will be targeted
If you ask people if they've ever had cum on their face you get the following responses:
- "He used to aim for it"
- "I've done it to myself"
- "I moved out of the way and he got his own face and mouth"
Questions about anal sex give you equally hilarious answers
So, after that we left and attempted a pub crawl. We got to two pubs. There was a bit of drama, and a bit of getting separated, but once that was resolved and we all managed to be in the same place, we had a ball. One of the hens fell in love with a bald Andre Agassi lookalike. Pretty much everyone decided to have a little cry at some point, myself included. Although that one may have to be a secret locked up post.....
Another hen managed to get lost in the club, had a bit of a cry, asked a bouncer for help, who then took her to the hotel reception part of the place (??), he then started calling everyone in her phone book, and the only person who answered was someone already back at the hostel in her PJs....
...who then returned to the club, complete with tracksuit bottoms OVER her PJs, then had to have a fight with the bouncer to let her in, which went something along the lines of, "I'm in my PYJAMAS, DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT TO COME INTO YOUR CLUB, I AM TRYING TO FIND MY CRYING LOST FRIEND."
Good times.
So after my little cry, someone else's little cry we all came back to the hostel, and proceeded to have a bit of a group cry about life in general. Excellent.
Sunday
I had to get on a plane, ridiculously hungover. It wasn't fun.
Conclusion:
1st night, nearly everyone vommed.
2nd night, nearly everyone cried.
And that, my friends, is what I call a successful hen do.
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