Game of Mother-Fucking Thrones

Game of Thrones. (If you don't watch it, I don't suggest reading this post. It will make literally no sense. Also, it has spoilers and that, so if you're not up to date, I don't recommend reading any further).


So one of my newest favourite programmes is Game of Thrones, which is on Mondays at 9pm on Sky1. It’s adapted from a series of books that are about the same size and weight as your average brick. It’s set in a generic fantasy land, faux-medieval, and full of sword battles. There’s been about 7 or 8 episodes shown in the UK so far, and I bloody love it. There are however, bloody millions of characters with silly names, and I do struggle to keep up at times. Here’s my take on the characters and the events so far.
Action so far has taken place in the North, at The Wall and King’s Landing so far. King’s Landing is essentially the capital, The Wall is at the very far north. The series starts with Robert as king, but there’s some back story about the previous Mad King and his Hand, and they all got killed, or poisoned or something. Never really understood that bit. Presumably the Lannisters had something to do with it.

Anyway. I have given most of the main characters my own names and I will now describe them to you.

The Starks. The Northerners aka “The Goodies.”

Ned Stark/Sean Bean. General good northern egg. Best mate of Robert the King, who gets asked to be “hand” of the King, which seems to be Official Best Mate position. Has to move from his castle in the north down south to King’s Landing. Doesn’t really want to do this, but get guilted into it.

Look at him! being all Northern.

Queen Northern. She’s boss. Ned loves her. She rides round generally kicking ass and turning entire pubs against dwarves, thus capturing them.

Rob/Eldest Stark. Quite hot. Starts waging war when Ned gets captured for being a traitor. (He’s not! He’s innocent!)

John Snow/Sexy Bastard. Quite literally a sexy bastard. Ned went off to war and came back with John, there was some romantic guff about his mother but we never really found out more. Has now been parceled off to “The Wall,” a fuck-off huge wall that keeps out the “Wild Walkers” of the North. Most of the recruits here are petty criminals and John’s actually pretty bad ass, so was a bit cheesed off to be sent here. Plus it’s always snowing. Bound to wind anyone up being constantly cold. Plus they’re not allowed to have sex. Would REALLY wind you up.

See? Quite hot.

The Cripple. A son about 12 years old. Saw Queen Blondie and Lord Farqaar banging, so they pushed him out of the window in the first episode and now he can’t walk. He can ride a horse though.

Lily Cole. A daughter. Engaged to Joffrey. Generally bit wet and annoying.

Tomboy Princess. Younger than Lily Cole. Doesn’t like being a girl, so is learning to sword fight, and generally doing stereotypical tomboy things. Whereabouts currently unknown after she ran away.



The Lannisters. Southerners aka “The Baddies.”

One of the main families. Very rich and their motto is “A Lannister always pays his debts” just to reinforce the fact that they-are-very-rich. They are also all blonde, for no other reason than as a plot device to uncover a certain young prince’s paternity. Here they are:

Queen Blondie. Wife of the King Robert. I have a nagging feeling that I know the actress from somewhere else, but 7 weeks in and I still haven’t been able to place it.

Lord Farquaar. Queen Blondie’s brother. Also blonde, and looks like Lord Farquaar from Shrek. Is boning Queen Blondie. Ewww.


The Dwarf. Another brother. Possibly my favourite character, he has a lot of sex, and the best lines.


Joffrey. Weird name that’s a cross between Geoffrey and Joe. About 14 and an annoying little prick. Is now King after his “father” Robert died after being speared by an errant pig. His father is actually his uncle Lord Farquaar. Ewww.

The Dad. The dad of all this lot. Bit older. Rich. Hasn’t done an awful lot yet apart from wage war.

Robert the King. He’s dead now, after carelessly getting gored whilst hunting. Silly man. Was Ned’s bezzie, and Queen Blondie’s husband, despite the fact that they clearly hated each other. And she was shagging her brother. Ewww.


The Targaryeons. Weird dragon people. They are currently “over the water” from the rest of the world, and are planning their return/revenge/something or other. They include:

White Blonde Bint/Queen. Was really really wet and annoying and got married off by her brother White Blonde Boy, to leader of The Horse People, Horse King. Horse King generally raped her for a bit, but then White Blonde Bint decided, “Actually, I want to learn how to do this properly,” so got a prozzie to teach her how to do sex and that. She’s now really kick arse and goes around bossing people around and eating raw horse’s hearts. Also carting around 3 huge dragon’s eggs with her, in the belief that they’ll do something cool soon.

White Blonde Bint. With a horse. Being bad ass.

Horse Man/Karl Droga. Absolute bad ass. Rips anyone who disagrees with him’s tongue out with his hands. Through their throat. Has now impregnanted White Blonde Queen, and the resultant son is now “The Stallion.” Who is going to take over the world or something. Oh yeah, and he killed White Blonde Boy because he was getting reaaaallly annoying, by melting a golden crown, then pouring the molten metal over.his.head. Amaze.

Horse King. Fucking bad-ass.

The Advisor man. Generally advises White Blonde Queen. Think he did something bad with slaves or something, because they’re all pissed with him back home.


Some other miscellaneous people.

The quite hot advisor man/general double crosser in King’s Landing, for some unfathomable reason called Little Finger(??) Most memorable moment so far was getting two prostitutes to simulate sex, one of them pretending to be the man whilst he espoused something completely boring and political.
The eunuch. Another advisor and general double crosser.
Alfie Allen. Hanger on of the Starks. So far has shagged a girl called Ros and got upset when she left. No other discernible purpose yet.
The Dog. Some lacky who’s really big. Or really angry.
Queen Northerner’s sister. Queen of some place or other, has a son, aged around 9 or 10, WHO STILL BREASTFEEDS. I still can’t get over this. Ewww.


So in short, Robert the King got Sean Bean to come down from the north to the capital, to be his Official Best Mate. Robert then died, and his son inherited the throne. BUT HE’S NOT REALLY HIS SON.

We know this because Robert has black hair and Joffrey is blonde. Mmmm genetics right there that is. Joffrey is actually the offspring of Queen Blondie and Lord Farquaar who ARE BROTHER AND SISTER. Ewww. Why Joffrey isn’t more of a mutant with three arms and six legs I don’t know, because that's the normal result when BROTHER AND SISTERS HAVE SEX. In fact, all of their children are surprisingly normal considering their parents share 50% of their DNA. So Sean Bean figured this out by reading a big old book and obviously got a bit cross and told the whole world about this crime of nature, then the Lannisters got a bit cross with this, Lord Farquaar stuck a sword in his leg and then threw him in a dungeon for treason.

Sean Bean’s wife and sons and men weren’t very happy about this and so are going to war with the Lannisters. Along the way Queen Northerner also captured Dwarf Lannister, before letting him go, which again annoyed the Lannisters a bit.

Meanwhile, White Blonde Queen is preparing to invade along with her husband Horse Man, and to be honest my money’s on this lost cos they are BAD-ASS.



UPDATE: Well, I wrote this last week, and after seeing the most recent episode, LOTS has gone on. Horse Man is dying and White Blonde Queen is now giving birth after someone got a bit angry and knocked her over. A witch is currently doing strange things to a horse to try and save Horse Man from certain death.

Meanwhile, there are some excellent and very funny scenes with The Dwarf, and then we miss an entire battle - it starts with The Dwarf being knocked out as he is short, and ends with him waking up saying "Did we win?" Guess HBO didn't have the budget to actually show a battle. Turns out Rob Stark did some trick and has managed to win a minor battle AND capture Lord Farqaar.

However, back in the Capital there is really powerful scene where Sean Bean "confesses" his treason, says he was wrong, Joffrey's the king blah blah blah, and we all think, "Yay! He's saved, he's going to just be sent to The Wall" and then Joffrey the Little Blonde Shit decides to cut off Sean Bean's head after all and promptly does so. With both his daughters watching (and screaming). What a twunt.

And that was it! Stirring stuff. Finale's next week, can't wait.

Here's a man's amazing reaction to the death of Sean Bean. I love crazy Americans.

Why I hate The General Public

I hate the General Public. Any situation where I come into contact with them in large numbers will always wind me up, to the point where I start pulling strange faces, and hissing at people.
Situations where this happens:

1. Driving.
A lot of people drive. A lot of people are also fucking stupid. Letting stupid people into machines that have the capacity to go very fast and potentially crash into other cars/people/buildings/trees etc is also very stupid. Thankfully I haven’t had any first hand experience of this. I have however had first hand experience of people who can’t park, can’t use a roundabout, can’t drive above 20mph, can’t indicate, can’t see that the LIGHT IS GREEN CAN WE GO NOW PLEASE? And especially people who don’t wait their turn when two lanes go into one and instead drive right down then push in because they’re complete fucktards. Even more than this I LOVE people who nearly crash into me by turning into me, simply because they haven’t seen me. Love that one. I'm also a HUGE fan of people driving big cars, 4x4s, Landrover whatever, who by virtue of the fact that the penis extension that they're driving is bigger than my little car, think that they don't have to give way, that they can barge their way through, that they don't have to wait to get through the gap on a road, despite that fact that THE PARKED CARS ARE ON THEIR SIDE OF THE ROAD AND YOU'RE MEANT TO STOP YOU ABSOLUTE WANKER.

2. The supermarket.
Trolleys are not hard to operate. You put stuff in them and push them. The General Public can’t generally do this. They go about 0.6 miles per hour and seem to think this is ok. They also block entire aisles with their trolleys/husbands/wives/children/dogs/entourages and then get angry with you when you say Excuse me, can I get past here please. What? You’re in the way here, the whole aisle does not belong to you, you are not at home ,you are in a public place where OTHER PEOPLE EXIST. Please try to remember this and act accordingly.

3. The cinema.
A lot of shit films get made. A lot. This in turn attracts a lot of stupid people to watch said stupid shit films. Even when a film is actually quite good, chances are there will probably still be some stupid people in the audience. And chances are they’ve bought some over-priced disgusting pile of shit food, like those plastic hot dogs that look like floppy dicks, or stale nachos, or drinks that are luminous blue/red, - seriously, nothing you put in your mouth should be that colour, no food is that colour, the AMOUNT of chemicals put into something to make it that colour should warn you about how shit it is. All of this food seems to been have designed with the sole purpose of being incredibly loud to eat, or if not, then it will come in a packet that is physically impossible to put your hand into without making a crackle, crunch or hiss.

If you’re lucky then about ten minutes into the film all of the food will be consumed and you think, “Hoorah, the stupid people have gorged themselves into a stupor, now I can watch my film stress free,” but no. No, now you will have the row of teenage girls who spend the whole film talking to each other or doing things on their phones which means the lights are constantly shining in your eyes. OR they laugh at things which really aren’t funny, they’re not funny, why the HELL are you laughing at that you stupid immature moron. If you don’t have teenagers you might have a fornicating couple, something which is seriously distracting. Look, ok, I get it, you’re horny, you’re into each other, but having sex/sucking someone off in a cinema, about a metre from OTHER PEOPLE, who have paid money to watch a film, not a real life porno, is definitely Not Cool, so please keep your dick in your pants and have sex at home.


4. The tube/train.
This is a fairly obvious one. The tube at commuting hour is fairly horrific. Luckily my commute in London was quite short. In the mornings was bearable even, as I had to be at work for 8am, so at 7.30 I would more likely than not achieve the Holy Grail of commuting – THE SEAT. Getting a seat is great as it means you can get engrossed in a paper and therefore ignore everyone else and not worry about your head going in someone’s smelly armpit, or wondering whether that thing sticking in your back is someone’s arm/bag/penis, and was that someone feeling me up or was it just someone just brushing past, and ohmygod what is THAT SMELL?? And oh great I’m going to get to listen to this man’s godawful music all the way home, and NO you cannot squeeze onto this train there is No Room, just wait for another bloody train there’s one in 2 minutes you know? And oh no, don’t mind me while I struggle with this heavy bag and this set of skis and this rucksack I can get it all on easily by myself and I particularly love it when you just watch me do so, that’s really great, so thank you so much.

This is on the trains themselves. There is also the horror that is – The Ticket Office. Stupid people really excel themselves here. Worst offenders are tubes stops like Oxford St, Green Park, Leicester Square – anywhere with a big tourist attraction, or Euston, Kings X, Liverpool St, Victoria, - anywhere that has trains coming in from the rest of the country. This is because tourists and non-Londoners, when confronted with the tube are fucking stupid. I always get a sinking feeling when I enter Euston tube station when coming down from the North and realizing I have to top-up my Oyster card, walking into the concourse and seeing the Hordes queuing up to gaze at a map and take about 30 sodding minutes to buy a day travelcard. And then their card won’t work. Try another one. No, that doesn’t work either. Try cash. Got no coins. Dither and take another 30 minutes to decide what to do. Meanwhile I’ve actually exploded from rage and there are little bits of brain dotted around the station.

5. Airports/planes.
The General Public are allowed to go abroad. If I was Queen of the World, I would put a stop to this sharpish. It’s all a bit of a risk. You could get a seat next to a perfectly nice couple, who are actually quite similar to you, and you swap tips about where you’re going, and share some drinks and it’s all rather lovely and enjoyable oh yes. OR you could get The Toddler From Hell, who will not stop screaming, not once, not for a minute for the entirety of the 3 hour flight, or The Other Toddler From Hell who will kick the back of your chair for the entirety of the 3 hour flight, despite you asking the mother quite nicely and politely if their brat could please stop kicking my chair please? Whilst actually thinking, “Look love, if you can’t control your hideous offspring you shouldn’t be allowed out in public with it. “ OR you get the fat, inevitably northern, mutton dressed as lamb group of hideous women on a hen do, all with matching pink t-shirts with hilarious “nicknames” on the back, all along the lines of “The Slaggy One, “ “The Drunk One,” “ The Ugly One,” “Mother of the Bride,” “The One with No Discernible Personality,” and they’re all wasted and all singing and all screaming and screeching and saying that anyone who doesn’t think that all of this is extremely hilarious and “banter” is a boring prick and can fuck off, and you slowly, slowly, lose the will to live.

6. Theme parks.
Any of the more popular rides at the more popular theme parks have rather long queues, sometimes in excess of an hour. You don’t know who’s going to be in front and behind you in a queue when you join it, and believe me, it can be a bit of a gamble. Because it’ll be a member of The General Public, and as we know, they’re fucking idiots. So when you get stuck behind the most vile boys ever known for the best part of an hour, and they’re swearing and spitting and being just general gobshites, it makes you want to knock their heads together. Hard. Or you get the world’s most unattractive chavviest couple, who start telling each other they love each other babe, and shoving their tongues down each others throats, then simulating sex on the wooden post next to you, THEN have some kind of major argument which results in her sulking for 25 minutes by not saying a single bloody word (actually quite impressive), while he whines and tries to get her to face him, oh yeah THAT’S FUN.


I could go on. I'm sure there's plenty more examples of situations where The General Public would cause me extreme stress and anger. It's a wonder that I ever leave the house.