Why I hate The General Public

I hate the General Public. Any situation where I come into contact with them in large numbers will always wind me up, to the point where I start pulling strange faces, and hissing at people.
Situations where this happens:

1. Driving.
A lot of people drive. A lot of people are also fucking stupid. Letting stupid people into machines that have the capacity to go very fast and potentially crash into other cars/people/buildings/trees etc is also very stupid. Thankfully I haven’t had any first hand experience of this. I have however had first hand experience of people who can’t park, can’t use a roundabout, can’t drive above 20mph, can’t indicate, can’t see that the LIGHT IS GREEN CAN WE GO NOW PLEASE? And especially people who don’t wait their turn when two lanes go into one and instead drive right down then push in because they’re complete fucktards. Even more than this I LOVE people who nearly crash into me by turning into me, simply because they haven’t seen me. Love that one. I'm also a HUGE fan of people driving big cars, 4x4s, Landrover whatever, who by virtue of the fact that the penis extension that they're driving is bigger than my little car, think that they don't have to give way, that they can barge their way through, that they don't have to wait to get through the gap on a road, despite that fact that THE PARKED CARS ARE ON THEIR SIDE OF THE ROAD AND YOU'RE MEANT TO STOP YOU ABSOLUTE WANKER.

2. The supermarket.
Trolleys are not hard to operate. You put stuff in them and push them. The General Public can’t generally do this. They go about 0.6 miles per hour and seem to think this is ok. They also block entire aisles with their trolleys/husbands/wives/children/dogs/entourages and then get angry with you when you say Excuse me, can I get past here please. What? You’re in the way here, the whole aisle does not belong to you, you are not at home ,you are in a public place where OTHER PEOPLE EXIST. Please try to remember this and act accordingly.

3. The cinema.
A lot of shit films get made. A lot. This in turn attracts a lot of stupid people to watch said stupid shit films. Even when a film is actually quite good, chances are there will probably still be some stupid people in the audience. And chances are they’ve bought some over-priced disgusting pile of shit food, like those plastic hot dogs that look like floppy dicks, or stale nachos, or drinks that are luminous blue/red, - seriously, nothing you put in your mouth should be that colour, no food is that colour, the AMOUNT of chemicals put into something to make it that colour should warn you about how shit it is. All of this food seems to been have designed with the sole purpose of being incredibly loud to eat, or if not, then it will come in a packet that is physically impossible to put your hand into without making a crackle, crunch or hiss.

If you’re lucky then about ten minutes into the film all of the food will be consumed and you think, “Hoorah, the stupid people have gorged themselves into a stupor, now I can watch my film stress free,” but no. No, now you will have the row of teenage girls who spend the whole film talking to each other or doing things on their phones which means the lights are constantly shining in your eyes. OR they laugh at things which really aren’t funny, they’re not funny, why the HELL are you laughing at that you stupid immature moron. If you don’t have teenagers you might have a fornicating couple, something which is seriously distracting. Look, ok, I get it, you’re horny, you’re into each other, but having sex/sucking someone off in a cinema, about a metre from OTHER PEOPLE, who have paid money to watch a film, not a real life porno, is definitely Not Cool, so please keep your dick in your pants and have sex at home.


4. The tube/train.
This is a fairly obvious one. The tube at commuting hour is fairly horrific. Luckily my commute in London was quite short. In the mornings was bearable even, as I had to be at work for 8am, so at 7.30 I would more likely than not achieve the Holy Grail of commuting – THE SEAT. Getting a seat is great as it means you can get engrossed in a paper and therefore ignore everyone else and not worry about your head going in someone’s smelly armpit, or wondering whether that thing sticking in your back is someone’s arm/bag/penis, and was that someone feeling me up or was it just someone just brushing past, and ohmygod what is THAT SMELL?? And oh great I’m going to get to listen to this man’s godawful music all the way home, and NO you cannot squeeze onto this train there is No Room, just wait for another bloody train there’s one in 2 minutes you know? And oh no, don’t mind me while I struggle with this heavy bag and this set of skis and this rucksack I can get it all on easily by myself and I particularly love it when you just watch me do so, that’s really great, so thank you so much.

This is on the trains themselves. There is also the horror that is – The Ticket Office. Stupid people really excel themselves here. Worst offenders are tubes stops like Oxford St, Green Park, Leicester Square – anywhere with a big tourist attraction, or Euston, Kings X, Liverpool St, Victoria, - anywhere that has trains coming in from the rest of the country. This is because tourists and non-Londoners, when confronted with the tube are fucking stupid. I always get a sinking feeling when I enter Euston tube station when coming down from the North and realizing I have to top-up my Oyster card, walking into the concourse and seeing the Hordes queuing up to gaze at a map and take about 30 sodding minutes to buy a day travelcard. And then their card won’t work. Try another one. No, that doesn’t work either. Try cash. Got no coins. Dither and take another 30 minutes to decide what to do. Meanwhile I’ve actually exploded from rage and there are little bits of brain dotted around the station.

5. Airports/planes.
The General Public are allowed to go abroad. If I was Queen of the World, I would put a stop to this sharpish. It’s all a bit of a risk. You could get a seat next to a perfectly nice couple, who are actually quite similar to you, and you swap tips about where you’re going, and share some drinks and it’s all rather lovely and enjoyable oh yes. OR you could get The Toddler From Hell, who will not stop screaming, not once, not for a minute for the entirety of the 3 hour flight, or The Other Toddler From Hell who will kick the back of your chair for the entirety of the 3 hour flight, despite you asking the mother quite nicely and politely if their brat could please stop kicking my chair please? Whilst actually thinking, “Look love, if you can’t control your hideous offspring you shouldn’t be allowed out in public with it. “ OR you get the fat, inevitably northern, mutton dressed as lamb group of hideous women on a hen do, all with matching pink t-shirts with hilarious “nicknames” on the back, all along the lines of “The Slaggy One, “ “The Drunk One,” “ The Ugly One,” “Mother of the Bride,” “The One with No Discernible Personality,” and they’re all wasted and all singing and all screaming and screeching and saying that anyone who doesn’t think that all of this is extremely hilarious and “banter” is a boring prick and can fuck off, and you slowly, slowly, lose the will to live.

6. Theme parks.
Any of the more popular rides at the more popular theme parks have rather long queues, sometimes in excess of an hour. You don’t know who’s going to be in front and behind you in a queue when you join it, and believe me, it can be a bit of a gamble. Because it’ll be a member of The General Public, and as we know, they’re fucking idiots. So when you get stuck behind the most vile boys ever known for the best part of an hour, and they’re swearing and spitting and being just general gobshites, it makes you want to knock their heads together. Hard. Or you get the world’s most unattractive chavviest couple, who start telling each other they love each other babe, and shoving their tongues down each others throats, then simulating sex on the wooden post next to you, THEN have some kind of major argument which results in her sulking for 25 minutes by not saying a single bloody word (actually quite impressive), while he whines and tries to get her to face him, oh yeah THAT’S FUN.


I could go on. I'm sure there's plenty more examples of situations where The General Public would cause me extreme stress and anger. It's a wonder that I ever leave the house.