A Certain Shade of Green

I can pinpoint the exact moment I lost faith in marriage and monogamy. There will always be certain events, certain memories that remain forever seared in your mind, that do not become any less clear, any foggier, despite years passing.

I can very clearly remember sitting in my tiny box room in London 2010, a few months after my dad had announced that he was leaving my mum, leaving his marriage of 27 years, a few months after the bottom fell out of my mum's (and therefore mine as well) world.

I can very clearly remember the betrayal I felt, the anger, the disappointment. I can very clearly remember staring at my wall of photos and thinking, "well if they can't stay together, what's the point?" I can very clearly remember having that knee jerk stereotypical reaction, "That's it. I'm never getting married. What's the point if everyone splits up eventually."


This was now over six years and my thoughts on marriage haven't changed an awful lot, but that's more due to learning about and developing my feminism, something I didn't really think about back then at all. Now my beliefs about marriage are along the lines of "Eww no patriarchy," and my rejection of it is more related to the fact that I think the whole concept of spending thousands and thousands of pounds on one day which is the literal manifestation of The Patriarchy (here I am, a man, GIVING AWAY my daughter as property to belong to another man, and dear lord don't even get me started on changing your surname), is actually obscene.

Plus, you're probably going to split up anyway.

During my relationship with SailorBoy I was particularly troubled by jealousy. Quite near the start of our time together he decided to tell me about a number of girls from university that he'd had flings with. It really fucking upset me. To the point where one of the girls I couldn't speak to and actively avoided, and could never really be relaxed around. I was angry that he'd even told me, I just didn't want to know. A couple of months later he brought up the idea of a threesome with another girl. It never happened, because I knew that I would not have been able to handle the fact that he would be having sex with someone else that wasn't me. Like, just Not An Option.

Jealousy was a problem for the entire relationship. It reared its ugly head to a lesser extent with HR, but rear its head it did all the same. Again, with a past fling that he was still friends with and still talking to. Not even seeing or having sex with, just talking to. And I could barely handle that. Not to mention the fact that the start of our relationship was marred by the fact that he was still hung up on his ex. She was like a cloud, hanging over my head for a while, darkening skies whenever he got upset about her.

I hated being jealous. I hated the feeling of being in a room and being completely on edge constantly, in case my boyfriend talks to someone that I can't deal with, or flirts with someone. I hated that it made me feel like I'm crazy. I don't want to be like that. I want to be relaxed. I want to be not bothered by it at all. 

Which brings me to the topic of polyamory/non monogamy.


From my limited experience of the kink world it seems that it goes fairly hand in hand with non monogamy. Obviously this isn't a hard and fast rule but it certainly feels like those that way inclined are more likely to be polyamorous than the general population. KTG mentioned his girlfriend (specifically described as his "primary") on our first date, they live together, they have a dog, it's all very traditional, apart from the whole D/s thing, obviously. On our third date we popped into his flat on the way back to mine to pick up his bag of sex toys. She was in the flat and there was an interesting moment where I saw stood in their kitchen with her whilst he was getting the bag out of the bedroom. There is nothing in my life that has quite prepared me for dealing with that, like what the heck is the etiquette there?!
I said hello, and luckily the dog decided to attack my legs so I could fill the thirty seconds or so with reacting to him (he is absolutely gorgeous and I do want to steal him). He quite openly refers to her, and clearly she knows all about me (he told me about her being sick and asking to ask me about it-"what's the point of you fucking in a doctor if I'm not going to get anything out of it?"), which did make me smile, although did feel a little odd at first. Odd, but not something I couldn't get used to.


The fact that this guy I'm seeing is non negotiably poly, with a long term primary girlfriend already in place, and that the fact that this is definitely a scene that I want to explore, is making me reconsider something I previously would not have been able to countenance. So far, so good. Obviously I can't predict if I'll be able to continue to handle this without succumbing to jealously, but right now I'm hopeful. I feel that if I start off relationships in this way, it would stand me in good stead for being able to handle and keep the green eyed monster completely at bay. It seems completely counter intuitive - 'how to stop yourself being jealous of partners when they interact with other women by actually saying this is allowed and you can fuck them and I'll be completely fine with that because this is how it works now.' But perhaps turning all the rules on their head is exactly what it will take to shake this out of me once and for all.

I guess it was probably my anxiety about being cheated on, but in a poly world, by definition this can't happen. Once you remove the promise of "I won't sleep with anyone else," once that isn't actually a rule anymore, then it can't be broken. Now, from what I can tell from my limited experience, by its very nature kink requires an elevated amount of communication in order to remain safe yet fulfilling, and I suspect that the same is very much true for polyamory. But I believe that any process which encourages and facilitates extra discussion and communication will only result in positive outcomes. And while taking the time to discuss needs and wants, and where to draw the line in situations can be daunting and hard work, not only will it eventually enhance the whole relationship but it is also completely necessary.


You see, it's starting to make more sense to me. Monogamy for 50+ years seems like an impossibly hard task. Staying with one person for the rest of your life - yeah romantic maybe, but frankly unrealistic in my eyes. You don't restrict yourself to one best friend (well I certainly don't), why apply the same rules to a partner? There are some amazing people out there, and actually this whole non monog setup feels quite right and is working out well at the moment, considering there's two other men (on top of KTG) that I'm fucking and will continue to do so. (Unfortunately both live in London so although not an altogether regular arrangement, definitely not something that I want to end anytime soon). I like people, I like getting to know new people, it's the part of my job that I love the most, the interaction and the sheer joy of hearing about other people's experiences. What can I say, I'm a loud gobby extrovert who loves having sex and who loves people, and upon consideration I almost can't believe I haven't really considered this before.

Who knows where this is going to go, and who knows whether it will be successful for me or not, but for now, at least, it's certainly something to try.

One Year On

On this day, a year ago, I got dumped in the middle of the night by someone I was ridiculously in love with, more than anyone else I'd been in love with before. I had been so deliriously happy with him in the preceding year, happier than I actually thought possible. Fairytale. Thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with this man type thing.

It was brutal. There was absolutely zero warning. (We'd just been on to our normal weekly pub quiz). Out of the blue. Rug swept out from under my feet. Every cliche there is in the book. He didn't want to, couldn't do long distance (which is what we were facing) and so that was it. I wailed. Literally wailed and woke my flatmate who came into the room to see if I was ok, so horrible were the noises I was making. I physically threw myself on top of him to stop him from leaving, but to no avail. I'll never forget that night for the pure animal despair I went through.



When I'm at low points in my life I retreat into music. Listening to specially curated "sadness" playlists. Lying in bed, spotify on, sobbing my heart out. It was around the time after the breakup that Sia's album 1000 Forms of Fear came out, and jesus - all I can say - when an album just speaks to you, when someone writes a song where the lyrics describe exactly what you are going through and feeling, I can't help but just have it on repeat and repeat and repeat. All I know is that Sia must have been through a pretty shitty relationship breakdown to write so many fucking perfect songs about breakups. Like, girl. I FEEL YOU. 

(It got to a point where even just hearing the intro of "Big Girls Cry," would indeed, make me cry. One low point being whilst on the tube.)





Now, a year on, I was shopping after having brunch with KTG (kinky tinder guy), having had a spectacular fuck the night before, and Sia's newest song came on. I knew it was her instantly due to her distinctive voice and although I'm couldn't really make out the words in the verse, the chorus lyrics put a smile on my face - basically:

"I survived, I'm still breathing, I'm alive" repeated x 4



It's kinda nice to know that she went through a hella shit time, and has come through it, out onto the other side, as have I. Better than that, I'm now in a place that I always wanted to be deep down, but never really expected to ever happen. And that wouldn't have happened if we were still together. So to anyone who's going through heartbreak....keep going. You will make it, and you can join me and Sia belting out "I'm alllllive" at the tops of our voices.

The Kink Awakens

- So, since the beginning of December I've had the amazing good luck to have had encounters with at least 3 kinky guys, all of which have been fairly incredible experiences. This post is a re-telling/inspired account of what went down! This is my first go at writing anything even vaguely erotic and I'm just hoping I haven't made too much of a hash of it. I'm having to write this in the third person, I don't know why, it just feels a hell of a lot easier. To be perfectly honest I can't even remember all of the nights properly. Parts have just become....blurry. Not quite there in my memory. Certain bits have stuck in my mind, and phrases, but some things I've certainly embellished slightly. Or put in a different order. Or amalgamated the experiences altogether. Or just completely made up! I guess you'll never know which bits....

******

"Take your boots off and sit on the bed."

She undid the zips on her shoes, laid them by the wardrobe, then sat, kneeling down on the bed.

He took her arms and pulled them behind her back, then placed the black restraints around her wrists, pinning them into place. They were actually surprisingly comfortable, and she liked the way they pulled her arms back, liking the way she knew she looked. He kneeled beside her, towering above, then lifted up her chin to look at her before drawing her up into a deep kiss. Then without warning he pulled her legs out from underneath her, yanking down her tights and removing her skirt in one swift motion.

"Mmmm, nice underwear," he commented on the black silky see-through pants she was wearing. "I can already see how wet you are," he said as he slowly scratched down the inside of her thigh, leaving a thick red welt. He came back up, agonisingly close to her clit, before swooping his fingers back down her leg, teasing, playing with her. "You're enjoying this aren't you?" She nodded back, desperate for him to touch her properly, dying for it, "You want me to touch you, don't you?" Again, she nodded.... "What do we say?"


"Please."


"Good girl."


And with that he finally finally put his hands on her cunt properly, and the touch made her gasp, electricity firing up and down her legs. "You're so wet already, I can smell your pussy from here. You want it bad, don't you, you good little whore." She sank back, deep into the pleasure, his words turning her on just as much as (more than?) his hands were. She lay back for a while with him slowly circling her clit, his eyes never off her face. "You want me to go faster, don't you?" She looked at him, staring at him, wild with desire. She tried to find the words, but nothing came and all she could do was nod......


"No. What do we say?"


"Please."


He smiled. "Yes. But I think you're going to have to work for it bit more." She pouted petulantly, instantly knowing this was a big mistake, huge, as he grabbed her face with one hand, and her throat with the other - "Now, now, less of that. I don't like sulkers. Sulkers will get punished. And we don't want that do we?" She wasn't *entirely* sure what the answer to that question was.....but before she knew it he was talking again -


"Hmmm. I really should have taken your top off before putting these on, they're getting in the way," he remarked before taking the restraints off, releasing her hands. "I need to see a bit more of you," slipping off her top, and undoing her bra, before tossing both onto the floor. "Better. Much better. Now, stand up."


She stood up, now completely naked, staring at him, wondering what was coming next. He rose to stand next to her before slipping a finger, then two, deep into her cunt, without breaking that intense, intense eye contact.

"Come with me. I like leading pretty girls round by the pussy." He pulled her round with his fingers, forcing her to step forwards, onto her tiptoes, making her gasp. "That's it, a little further now," making her go a few more steps, before again doing that delicious thing of pulling her chin up with his fingers to kiss her. She rested her feet back down before, "Ah-ah. Stay on your tiptoes."

She went back onto her tiptoes. It was taking a lot of concentration between the kissing and what was going on in her pussy but she was determined to stay up. She wanted to prove she could do it. "That's it, very good. You can take direction. You're obedient. I like that. Now, bend over the bed."


He released her, and she took a step forward and was starting to bend when a knee went into the back of hers, a hand went onto the back of her head and all of a sudden she was bent completely double on the rail with two fingers being thrust into her again and again and again, which just felt fucking incredible. She could feel herself getting closer and closer to coming, but just as it started to build and build it was as if he sensed it, and slowed down and down, and the feeling subsided. She let out a small groan. "No, you're not allowed to cum yet, I'm nowhere near done with you. Get back on the bed."


She climbed over the bed rail and laid flat out. She could hear him taking off his shirt, and then the pop of his jeans buttons, and then the slow slide of the zip, agonisingly slowly. He pushed her legs apart with one hand then pushed his cock deep into her, filling her up completely. She forced her hand under her stomach down to her clit and started to rub furiously, the amazing feelings growing and growing, all the while he was pumping into her. She wanted to teeter on the edge for a while, seeing how long she could push it and wait, knowing the longer she could the more intense the finale would be....

When she could stand it no more she begged, whispered, moaned, "Please can I cum?" inherently knowing she needed to ask his permission - the reply, "Yes, cum now," and then it was there the most intense fucking EXPLOSION that started deep down before moving outwards, racking through her whole body, making it spasm and arch, and she screamed and it went on for what felt like forever, but the best forever there had ever been, before dying down, leaving her completely limp and dazed and content and never wanting this to end.


Silence. For a beat.


"You looked like you enjoyed that. I certainly did..... And now, another thing that I think we'd both enjoy - kneel on the floor."


She pulled some strength from somewhere, who knows where, and hauled herself onto the floor, kneeling in front of him. She looked up at him, trying to make herself look as innocent (hah!) as possible.


"God, what a pretty face. I fucking love those cute dimples of yours." She smiled, knowing it only accentuated the cute dimples. "Good girl....you're learning very quickly, aren't you? Now, do you know what I'm going to do to that pretty whore face of yours? I'm going to fuck it, I'm going to fuck it hard, and then I'm going to cum all over it."


He pushed his cock into her mouth, grabbing handfuls of her hair as he did it, pulling it into one ponytail which he held easily with one hand. He put the other hand on the back of her neck, pulling her deep onto him, so his dick was pushed right down the back of her throat, her nose touching his chest. She tried to get him down as deep as she could, and hold it for as long as she could before having to pull away, gagging, eyes watering. Again and again and again, skull fucking her throat like nothing she'd ever experienced before.


He paused for a second, staring at her. "God, you look incredible with your hair all tatty, and your mascara running down your face." She smiled, knowing what he said was true, wanting to please him, wanting to impress him.


"Now, hold still." He held her face whilst jacking off with the other hand, she kept motionless before finally he came, hard, a jet of spunk erupting straight over her eyes, eyebrows, nose, dripping down into her mouth. She got up, wanting to see herself in the mirror. Thick creamy cum literally all over her face, god there was so much and it just looked so fucking hot. He gently helped her to clean it off with a wipe before they both laid back onto the bed, entangled, nestled, content. She quickly fell asleep with the biggest smile on her face, yet with something inside awakened at last.

On new beginnings

I've turned a corner. I've got through the storm. I've made it. I've got my mojo back. I've survived. And many other varying cliches.


It's pretty much a year to the day when HR broke up with me and my world came crashing down around my ears, but now I can actually say I'm happy and content and over him. And for a reason that you would probably never guess....


December 2015 is going to go down as a particular memorable month in my life, (and not just because it's when the fabulous new Star Wars film came out). Now, I had been labouring away at Tinder and other dating apps and becoming rather disillusioned with the whole thing. I'd managed to get a few conversations going and had set up a first date with someone on a Wednesday in early December. To be perfectly honest I wasn't massively feeling it but felt like I should at least be trying. He, however, cancelled on me with about 3 hours notice (with the world's Worst Excuse Ever. So fuck him. As I said, this didn't bother me too much and it did instead allow me to ask another match if he was free that night (and this guy I was much more interested in....)

Flicking through Tinder I very rarely swipe right. I came across one (anonymous) profile where the photos were all edited to not be showing his face. But it was the profile that really reeled me in where it said he was kinky.


*deep breath*


Now, it's been in the back of my mind that the world of kink, and in particular domination and submission was something I'd been interested in for quite some time, and by quite some time I mean at least 2012. And I can pinpoint that year because I can remember talking to men about it on OkCupid and early 2012 was the last time I did internet dating. At that point I was 25 and was too scared to actually follow through with anything. It got pushed away and never really surfaced with any partners, but was always something that I knew got me off. In the blogs I read, in the porn I watch, in the fantasies I have. But up until now I'd never really told anyone, talked to anyone about it, never acted on it, and certainly never had anything other than fairly vanilla sex.


So I swiped right.



And when it comes to writing the history of my life, I think that action may come to be one of the defining "game-changers."



He also swiped right. We started talking. We started talking about D/s, and how it was something I was interested in. He told me he was a Dom. He was impressed by how much I seemed to know, and by my curiosity. We met up when that first date cancelled. We went for drinks. We got on really well. And then he started stroking my arms. And then my hair. And then my neck. And then pulled my chin up with his fingers to kiss me, occasionally slipping into Dom mode. And that was it, game over for me. I was a quivering mess.

We stayed in the same bar until 2am, and I barely noticed the time. He walked me most of the way home, and I had the resolve of a fucking saint to go home by myself (and also the fact it was 2am, I was in work for 8am and would have literally not slept). He said goodbye by pushing me against a door and kissing me, whilst parting my legs with his knee and telling me how much he'd enjoyed the night.


The second date was nearly two weeks later. Two weeks of near constant messaging and conversation, about kink, about D/s, about my interests, about Christmas, about Star Wars, about mundane shit, about work, about children, about it ALL, before meeting up on a Monday for dinner and drinks in a small bar, where we were the only two people in the whole of the downstairs area. I already knew that he would be coming back to mine afterwards and before the date was feeling a mixture of nerves and excitement. After we finished eating he whacked out a set (? pair? I have no idea) of hand restraints and asked if I'd be comfortable with him putting my hands behind my back and then putting them on me (right there in the restaurant).

I just looked at them. I definitely hadn't quite expected it, and I wanted to but couldn't quite bring myself to, in such a public area. So they were put away, and instead he held my hands together by the wrists behind my back with one of his. Waiter comes down and takes another drinks order during which I can't quite look him in the eye, god knows what he must have thought of the whole thing, as it must have been really fucking obvious.



ANYWAY



We walked back to my flat, which took a lot longer than it should have, as we kept stopping off in various nooks and crannies when he would tell me to sit and keep still, then kiss me. One place in particular  - there's a shortcut back to my flat which involved going through a barred gate which gets locked late at night. It being quite late, it was of course, locked. But considerable time was spent being pushed up against said gate, the bars biting into my back....



Needless to say, not an awful lot of sleeping was done once we were back at mine. The night (and the second night I spent with him) merit a post all of their own. But apparently this has now opened the flood gates on my what-had-been-incredibly-barren sex life, as I managed to notch up getting laid with another four men during December, which I'm pretty sure is some kind of personal best!

So I'm now super excited to see what this year brings, and exploring things a lot more. Tinder Dom and I have spoken about a lot of things and he's really very careful about not pushing me too hard, being very careful about boundaries and asking me what I am and am not comfortable with, which is obviously as it should/has to be! I've also learnt about what sounds like a very intriguing venue close to where I live, which puts on regular kink/swinging nights which I'm sure I'll get to sooner rather than later....


Here's to blowing away the cobwebs of last year and moving on to the next fucking exciting (kinky!) chapter....