One Year On

On this day, a year ago, I got dumped in the middle of the night by someone I was ridiculously in love with, more than anyone else I'd been in love with before. I had been so deliriously happy with him in the preceding year, happier than I actually thought possible. Fairytale. Thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with this man type thing.

It was brutal. There was absolutely zero warning. (We'd just been on to our normal weekly pub quiz). Out of the blue. Rug swept out from under my feet. Every cliche there is in the book. He didn't want to, couldn't do long distance (which is what we were facing) and so that was it. I wailed. Literally wailed and woke my flatmate who came into the room to see if I was ok, so horrible were the noises I was making. I physically threw myself on top of him to stop him from leaving, but to no avail. I'll never forget that night for the pure animal despair I went through.



When I'm at low points in my life I retreat into music. Listening to specially curated "sadness" playlists. Lying in bed, spotify on, sobbing my heart out. It was around the time after the breakup that Sia's album 1000 Forms of Fear came out, and jesus - all I can say - when an album just speaks to you, when someone writes a song where the lyrics describe exactly what you are going through and feeling, I can't help but just have it on repeat and repeat and repeat. All I know is that Sia must have been through a pretty shitty relationship breakdown to write so many fucking perfect songs about breakups. Like, girl. I FEEL YOU. 

(It got to a point where even just hearing the intro of "Big Girls Cry," would indeed, make me cry. One low point being whilst on the tube.)





Now, a year on, I was shopping after having brunch with KTG (kinky tinder guy), having had a spectacular fuck the night before, and Sia's newest song came on. I knew it was her instantly due to her distinctive voice and although I'm couldn't really make out the words in the verse, the chorus lyrics put a smile on my face - basically:

"I survived, I'm still breathing, I'm alive" repeated x 4



It's kinda nice to know that she went through a hella shit time, and has come through it, out onto the other side, as have I. Better than that, I'm now in a place that I always wanted to be deep down, but never really expected to ever happen. And that wouldn't have happened if we were still together. So to anyone who's going through heartbreak....keep going. You will make it, and you can join me and Sia belting out "I'm alllllive" at the tops of our voices.