A Certain Shade of Green

I can pinpoint the exact moment I lost faith in marriage and monogamy. There will always be certain events, certain memories that remain forever seared in your mind, that do not become any less clear, any foggier, despite years passing.

I can very clearly remember sitting in my tiny box room in London 2010, a few months after my dad had announced that he was leaving my mum, leaving his marriage of 27 years, a few months after the bottom fell out of my mum's (and therefore mine as well) world.

I can very clearly remember the betrayal I felt, the anger, the disappointment. I can very clearly remember staring at my wall of photos and thinking, "well if they can't stay together, what's the point?" I can very clearly remember having that knee jerk stereotypical reaction, "That's it. I'm never getting married. What's the point if everyone splits up eventually."


This was now over six years and my thoughts on marriage haven't changed an awful lot, but that's more due to learning about and developing my feminism, something I didn't really think about back then at all. Now my beliefs about marriage are along the lines of "Eww no patriarchy," and my rejection of it is more related to the fact that I think the whole concept of spending thousands and thousands of pounds on one day which is the literal manifestation of The Patriarchy (here I am, a man, GIVING AWAY my daughter as property to belong to another man, and dear lord don't even get me started on changing your surname), is actually obscene.

Plus, you're probably going to split up anyway.

During my relationship with SailorBoy I was particularly troubled by jealousy. Quite near the start of our time together he decided to tell me about a number of girls from university that he'd had flings with. It really fucking upset me. To the point where one of the girls I couldn't speak to and actively avoided, and could never really be relaxed around. I was angry that he'd even told me, I just didn't want to know. A couple of months later he brought up the idea of a threesome with another girl. It never happened, because I knew that I would not have been able to handle the fact that he would be having sex with someone else that wasn't me. Like, just Not An Option.

Jealousy was a problem for the entire relationship. It reared its ugly head to a lesser extent with HR, but rear its head it did all the same. Again, with a past fling that he was still friends with and still talking to. Not even seeing or having sex with, just talking to. And I could barely handle that. Not to mention the fact that the start of our relationship was marred by the fact that he was still hung up on his ex. She was like a cloud, hanging over my head for a while, darkening skies whenever he got upset about her.

I hated being jealous. I hated the feeling of being in a room and being completely on edge constantly, in case my boyfriend talks to someone that I can't deal with, or flirts with someone. I hated that it made me feel like I'm crazy. I don't want to be like that. I want to be relaxed. I want to be not bothered by it at all. 

Which brings me to the topic of polyamory/non monogamy.


From my limited experience of the kink world it seems that it goes fairly hand in hand with non monogamy. Obviously this isn't a hard and fast rule but it certainly feels like those that way inclined are more likely to be polyamorous than the general population. KTG mentioned his girlfriend (specifically described as his "primary") on our first date, they live together, they have a dog, it's all very traditional, apart from the whole D/s thing, obviously. On our third date we popped into his flat on the way back to mine to pick up his bag of sex toys. She was in the flat and there was an interesting moment where I saw stood in their kitchen with her whilst he was getting the bag out of the bedroom. There is nothing in my life that has quite prepared me for dealing with that, like what the heck is the etiquette there?!
I said hello, and luckily the dog decided to attack my legs so I could fill the thirty seconds or so with reacting to him (he is absolutely gorgeous and I do want to steal him). He quite openly refers to her, and clearly she knows all about me (he told me about her being sick and asking to ask me about it-"what's the point of you fucking in a doctor if I'm not going to get anything out of it?"), which did make me smile, although did feel a little odd at first. Odd, but not something I couldn't get used to.


The fact that this guy I'm seeing is non negotiably poly, with a long term primary girlfriend already in place, and that the fact that this is definitely a scene that I want to explore, is making me reconsider something I previously would not have been able to countenance. So far, so good. Obviously I can't predict if I'll be able to continue to handle this without succumbing to jealously, but right now I'm hopeful. I feel that if I start off relationships in this way, it would stand me in good stead for being able to handle and keep the green eyed monster completely at bay. It seems completely counter intuitive - 'how to stop yourself being jealous of partners when they interact with other women by actually saying this is allowed and you can fuck them and I'll be completely fine with that because this is how it works now.' But perhaps turning all the rules on their head is exactly what it will take to shake this out of me once and for all.

I guess it was probably my anxiety about being cheated on, but in a poly world, by definition this can't happen. Once you remove the promise of "I won't sleep with anyone else," once that isn't actually a rule anymore, then it can't be broken. Now, from what I can tell from my limited experience, by its very nature kink requires an elevated amount of communication in order to remain safe yet fulfilling, and I suspect that the same is very much true for polyamory. But I believe that any process which encourages and facilitates extra discussion and communication will only result in positive outcomes. And while taking the time to discuss needs and wants, and where to draw the line in situations can be daunting and hard work, not only will it eventually enhance the whole relationship but it is also completely necessary.


You see, it's starting to make more sense to me. Monogamy for 50+ years seems like an impossibly hard task. Staying with one person for the rest of your life - yeah romantic maybe, but frankly unrealistic in my eyes. You don't restrict yourself to one best friend (well I certainly don't), why apply the same rules to a partner? There are some amazing people out there, and actually this whole non monog setup feels quite right and is working out well at the moment, considering there's two other men (on top of KTG) that I'm fucking and will continue to do so. (Unfortunately both live in London so although not an altogether regular arrangement, definitely not something that I want to end anytime soon). I like people, I like getting to know new people, it's the part of my job that I love the most, the interaction and the sheer joy of hearing about other people's experiences. What can I say, I'm a loud gobby extrovert who loves having sex and who loves people, and upon consideration I almost can't believe I haven't really considered this before.

Who knows where this is going to go, and who knows whether it will be successful for me or not, but for now, at least, it's certainly something to try.

One Year On

On this day, a year ago, I got dumped in the middle of the night by someone I was ridiculously in love with, more than anyone else I'd been in love with before. I had been so deliriously happy with him in the preceding year, happier than I actually thought possible. Fairytale. Thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with this man type thing.

It was brutal. There was absolutely zero warning. (We'd just been on to our normal weekly pub quiz). Out of the blue. Rug swept out from under my feet. Every cliche there is in the book. He didn't want to, couldn't do long distance (which is what we were facing) and so that was it. I wailed. Literally wailed and woke my flatmate who came into the room to see if I was ok, so horrible were the noises I was making. I physically threw myself on top of him to stop him from leaving, but to no avail. I'll never forget that night for the pure animal despair I went through.



When I'm at low points in my life I retreat into music. Listening to specially curated "sadness" playlists. Lying in bed, spotify on, sobbing my heart out. It was around the time after the breakup that Sia's album 1000 Forms of Fear came out, and jesus - all I can say - when an album just speaks to you, when someone writes a song where the lyrics describe exactly what you are going through and feeling, I can't help but just have it on repeat and repeat and repeat. All I know is that Sia must have been through a pretty shitty relationship breakdown to write so many fucking perfect songs about breakups. Like, girl. I FEEL YOU. 

(It got to a point where even just hearing the intro of "Big Girls Cry," would indeed, make me cry. One low point being whilst on the tube.)





Now, a year on, I was shopping after having brunch with KTG (kinky tinder guy), having had a spectacular fuck the night before, and Sia's newest song came on. I knew it was her instantly due to her distinctive voice and although I'm couldn't really make out the words in the verse, the chorus lyrics put a smile on my face - basically:

"I survived, I'm still breathing, I'm alive" repeated x 4



It's kinda nice to know that she went through a hella shit time, and has come through it, out onto the other side, as have I. Better than that, I'm now in a place that I always wanted to be deep down, but never really expected to ever happen. And that wouldn't have happened if we were still together. So to anyone who's going through heartbreak....keep going. You will make it, and you can join me and Sia belting out "I'm alllllive" at the tops of our voices.