So one of my newest favourite programmes is Game of Thrones, which is on Mondays at 9pm on Sky1. It’s adapted from a series of books that are about the same size and weight as your average brick. It’s set in a generic fantasy land, faux-medieval, and full of sword battles. There’s been about 7 or 8 episodes shown in the UK so far, and I bloody love it. There are however, bloody millions of characters with silly names, and I do struggle to keep up at times. Here’s my take on the characters and the events so far.
Action so far has taken place in the North, at The Wall and King’s Landing so far. King’s Landing is essentially the capital, The Wall is at the very far north. The series starts with Robert as king, but there’s some back story about the previous Mad King and his Hand, and they all got killed, or poisoned or something. Never really understood that bit. Presumably the Lannisters had something to do with it.
Anyway. I have given most of the main characters my own names and I will now describe them to you.
The Starks. The Northerners aka “The Goodies.”
Ned Stark/Sean Bean. General good northern egg. Best mate of Robert the King, who gets asked to be “hand” of the King, which seems to be Official Best Mate position. Has to move from his castle in the north down south to King’s Landing. Doesn’t really want to do this, but get guilted into it.
Look at him! being all Northern.
Queen Northern. She’s boss. Ned loves her. She rides round generally kicking ass and turning entire pubs against dwarves, thus capturing them.
Rob/Eldest Stark. Quite hot. Starts waging war when Ned gets captured for being a traitor. (He’s not! He’s innocent!)
John Snow/Sexy Bastard. Quite literally a sexy bastard. Ned went off to war and came back with John, there was some romantic guff about his mother but we never really found out more. Has now been parceled off to “The Wall,” a fuck-off huge wall that keeps out the “Wild Walkers” of the North. Most of the recruits here are petty criminals and John’s actually pretty bad ass, so was a bit cheesed off to be sent here. Plus it’s always snowing. Bound to wind anyone up being constantly cold. Plus they’re not allowed to have sex. Would REALLY wind you up.
See? Quite hot.
The Cripple. A son about 12 years old. Saw Queen Blondie and Lord Farqaar banging, so they pushed him out of the window in the first episode and now he can’t walk. He can ride a horse though.
Lily Cole. A daughter. Engaged to Joffrey. Generally bit wet and annoying.
Tomboy Princess. Younger than Lily Cole. Doesn’t like being a girl, so is learning to sword fight, and generally doing stereotypical tomboy things. Whereabouts currently unknown after she ran away.
The Lannisters. Southerners aka “The Baddies.”
One of the main families. Very rich and their motto is “A Lannister always pays his debts” just to reinforce the fact that they-are-very-rich. They are also all blonde, for no other reason than as a plot device to uncover a certain young prince’s paternity. Here they are:
Queen Blondie. Wife of the King Robert. I have a nagging feeling that I know the actress from somewhere else, but 7 weeks in and I still haven’t been able to place it.
Lord Farquaar. Queen Blondie’s brother. Also blonde, and looks like Lord Farquaar from Shrek. Is boning Queen Blondie. Ewww.
The Dwarf. Another brother. Possibly my favourite character, he has a lot of sex, and the best lines.
Joffrey. Weird name that’s a cross between Geoffrey and Joe. About 14 and an annoying little prick. Is now King after his “father” Robert died after being speared by an errant pig. His father is actually his uncle Lord Farquaar. Ewww.
The Dad. The dad of all this lot. Bit older. Rich. Hasn’t done an awful lot yet apart from wage war.
Robert the King. He’s dead now, after carelessly getting gored whilst hunting. Silly man. Was Ned’s bezzie, and Queen Blondie’s husband, despite the fact that they clearly hated each other. And she was shagging her brother. Ewww.
The Targaryeons. Weird dragon people. They are currently “over the water” from the rest of the world, and are planning their return/revenge/something or other. They include:
White Blonde Bint/Queen. Was really really wet and annoying and got married off by her brother White Blonde Boy, to leader of The Horse People, Horse King. Horse King generally raped her for a bit, but then White Blonde Bint decided, “Actually, I want to learn how to do this properly,” so got a prozzie to teach her how to do sex and that. She’s now really kick arse and goes around bossing people around and eating raw horse’s hearts. Also carting around 3 huge dragon’s eggs with her, in the belief that they’ll do something cool soon.
White Blonde Bint. With a horse. Being bad ass.
Horse Man/Karl Droga. Absolute bad ass. Rips anyone who disagrees with him’s tongue out with his hands. Through their throat. Has now impregnanted White Blonde Queen, and the resultant son is now “The Stallion.” Who is going to take over the world or something. Oh yeah, and he killed White Blonde Boy because he was getting reaaaallly annoying, by melting a golden crown, then pouring the molten metal over.his.head. Amaze.
Horse King. Fucking bad-ass.
The Advisor man. Generally advises White Blonde Queen. Think he did something bad with slaves or something, because they’re all pissed with him back home.
Some other miscellaneous people.
The quite hot advisor man/general double crosser in King’s Landing, for some unfathomable reason called Little Finger(??) Most memorable moment so far was getting two prostitutes to simulate sex, one of them pretending to be the man whilst he espoused something completely boring and political.
The eunuch. Another advisor and general double crosser.
Alfie Allen. Hanger on of the Starks. So far has shagged a girl called Ros and got upset when she left. No other discernible purpose yet.
The Dog. Some lacky who’s really big. Or really angry.
Queen Northerner’s sister. Queen of some place or other, has a son, aged around 9 or 10, WHO STILL BREASTFEEDS. I still can’t get over this. Ewww.
So in short, Robert the King got Sean Bean to come down from the north to the capital, to be his Official Best Mate. Robert then died, and his son inherited the throne. BUT HE’S NOT REALLY HIS SON.
We know this because Robert has black hair and Joffrey is blonde. Mmmm genetics right there that is. Joffrey is actually the offspring of Queen Blondie and Lord Farquaar who ARE BROTHER AND SISTER. Ewww. Why Joffrey isn’t more of a mutant with three arms and six legs I don’t know, because that's the normal result when BROTHER AND SISTERS HAVE SEX. In fact, all of their children are surprisingly normal considering their parents share 50% of their DNA. So Sean Bean figured this out by reading a big old book and obviously got a bit cross and told the whole world about this crime of nature, then the Lannisters got a bit cross with this, Lord Farquaar stuck a sword in his leg and then threw him in a dungeon for treason.
Sean Bean’s wife and sons and men weren’t very happy about this and so are going to war with the Lannisters. Along the way Queen Northerner also captured Dwarf Lannister, before letting him go, which again annoyed the Lannisters a bit.
Meanwhile, White Blonde Queen is preparing to invade along with her husband Horse Man, and to be honest my money’s on this lost cos they are BAD-ASS.
UPDATE: Well, I wrote this last week, and after seeing the most recent episode, LOTS has gone on. Horse Man is dying and White Blonde Queen is now giving birth after someone got a bit angry and knocked her over. A witch is currently doing strange things to a horse to try and save Horse Man from certain death.
Meanwhile, there are some excellent and very funny scenes with The Dwarf, and then we miss an entire battle - it starts with The Dwarf being knocked out as he is short, and ends with him waking up saying "Did we win?" Guess HBO didn't have the budget to actually show a battle. Turns out Rob Stark did some trick and has managed to win a minor battle AND capture Lord Farqaar.
However, back in the Capital there is really powerful scene where Sean Bean "confesses" his treason, says he was wrong, Joffrey's the king blah blah blah, and we all think, "Yay! He's saved, he's going to just be sent to The Wall" and then Joffrey the Little Blonde Shit decides to cut off Sean Bean's head after all and promptly does so. With both his daughters watching (and screaming). What a twunt.
And that was it! Stirring stuff. Finale's next week, can't wait.
Here's a man's amazing reaction to the death of Sean Bean. I love crazy Americans.
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