So. It's been pretty much a year since I last blogged. Reason being I got a boyfriend, and I didn't want to reveal this whole secret blog thing, but at the same time I didn't want to lie to him. So I just stopped blogging.
Things were great with him, up until about Christmas. There was one night at the end of term where I got ver ver drunk and had a complete meltdown. One of his best mates (with girlfriend) got off with one of my best mates. At the same event whilst said girlfriend was there. Now this guy's a serial cheater so no surprises, but it just really upset me for some reason. I think I started asking SB if he would ever cheat on me, and then I brought up girls that he's told me he's been with....
As an aside, I don't know why he did this, I didn't ask him to, it really upset me, and generally I'd have been a LOT happier if he had never done it.
That was the start of a few more drunken arguments (always drunk), generally over a) a stupid miscommunication, or b) me wanting to know where he was or why he was late or generally being fairly paranoid.
Fast forward to end of March, it's end of term, he's got 2 weeks until finals exams. We have one holy motherfucker of a fight which ends with me screaming at him outside the union. Ended up back at his crying and talking for hours. Get up next day and drag myself in but spend the next 2 days zombieing, whilst thinking about what we're going to do.
2 days later we go for a coffee and spend about 2 hours thrashing out a trial breakup. Plan was to breakup, he was going to do his finals, go on elective for seven weeks, then we would start again afresh in June. We need to fix our relationship, but there wasn't enough time to do it before he went. He was very much talking "long term" about things, and the whole breakup plan was in order to make us stronger in the long run. We were allowed to get with over people but we weren't going to tell each other any of the gory details. There was a period of 10 days between him finishing his exams and leaving, and we agreed that we wouldn't get with anyone else in that time as it would really hurt the other person. In all of this I have to say that he took a much bigger gamble than me. He'd done this before with a previous gf, who at the end of it had turned around and said, "yeah I've found someone new so bye!" He wasn't going to come back from South America with a new girlfriend, but the chances of me getting with someone whilst here still at uni were much higher.
All very grownup. SB commented that it felt like he'd just sorted out a divorce settlement or something. He walked me back to the tube stop and the last thing he said was, "Think about the long run."
***
Skip to the night he finished exams. I was out and I knew he'd be there. We'd had no contact for 2 weeks and I felt SICK. So nervous. I just wanted to say hi to him, be civil, and just have a good night, not cry etc etc
I bump into him on the stairs about 5 minutes after arriving. He wanted to talk. We went outside and the conversation was something as follows:
"I've really missed you and these two weeks have not diminished my feelings at all, and I thought they would." We discussed changing our plans but we couldn't really come to any kind of conclusion. So he said, "Shall we just not think about it?"
So we didn't. I of course went back to his that night, and had literally the best sex of my life. To the point where his female flatmate didn't believe I was being genuine!! "She HAD to be faking it." Nope deffo not.
We carried on texting and sleeping together that week. And it was great. I felt really relaxed and chilled out. None of the feelings I'd had the previous months were there. He called and texted me in the middle of the night, off his face, but I didn't care. I just loved that he was.
We had a bit of a "debrief" coffee the day before he left. He was so emotionally broken. He had a little cry. He asked for my email, despite previously saying he wasn't going to contact me.
Whilst away, he did contact me. He emailed to say good luck with the musical I was in, and he sent a photo of palm trees. He then CALLED me, from the Carribean! Drunk, because "he wanted to talk to me and didn't care how much it cost."
Those 7 weeks drove me mad, but I made it through. I counted down the days on a calendar and I started a fitness regime. Which I lost half a stone on and really toned up on so really pleased with myself.
***
Then he got back. And I think I was expecting it to be all rosy and back to being bf and gf.
It wasn't.
Our first meeting wasn't great. I didn't get drunk at a party the night before cos I didn't want to be hungover.
SB however, turned up to our meeting hungover (despite saying he wasn't having a big night), late, and dressed like a tramp in ripped tracky bottoms. Wasn't really impressed. I did tell him this! That if it was our actual first date I wouldn't be calling him again!
We hung out all day, went for a meal. It ended up being quite lovely actually. We didn't really breach the issue of "us" which in hindsight was a mistake. He just said something like "well shall we just see how it goes."
***
The next weekend was Hockey Tour. AKA the thing we went on a year ago exactly and where we got together. We arranged to go for a drink on the Thursday night (just like last year) and I assumed that I could stay over at his.
Big mistake.
When I tried to instigate this he said "it'd be a bit weird if we rocked up at the station together." Which did upset me. We had a bit of a chat because we still hadn't really. He said we would be "seeing each other," I asked if that meant we could see other people (I wanted him to say no), and he said no, that would be upsetting for both of us. Which leaves it in a rather odd situation but more on that later.
Hockey tour in general was ok. Nowhere near as amazing as last year. The first night I got very drunk because I was upset that SB wasn't really talking to me much, I felt he was ignoring me etc etc....so I got so drunk I don't remember anything but apparently I was being sick and wanted him to look after me....he put me to bed.....I got up again.....so he had to leave the night out to put me in the tent and then stay with me, sort me out when I was being sick.....I was a general STATE.
Understandably he was slightly annoyed.
Saturday I was hungover. Blerg.
That evening we had sex in the tent, which was a thoroughly odd affair, because it felt a bit like I owed him it. Which is not a good feeling. Anyway. The night out that night was better. We ended up staying til the end and I was trying to get him to leave and he said, "No I want to stay here for a bit longer, so everyone can see how fit you are and how this small drunken mess has pulled you, I want to flaunt you (!)"
He then piggybacked me back to the tent and we sang Angels and Don't Look Back In Anger. The memory makes me smile. I have to say the fact he still wanted to me with me despite having to look after a drunken vommy MESS does rather say something....
Sunday was fine. We got the plane back together and our parting was a bit shit. I wanted a proper hug and a kiss and he was having none of it.
***
Cut to Tuesday. We have a text disagreement because I thought he was going to be free on the Saturday night to do something and turns out he wasn't. He'd definitely given me the impression that he would be over the weekend, but apparently not. I'd also told him I was busy on the Friday which he FORGOT. Anyway had a fraught conversation on the phone where I told him I wasn't really that happy and he wasn't making me feel special, I didn't feel like he was putting in any effort, it was one sided etc etc
He basically reminded me that the whole point of breaking up was so we could "re-start" everything, and that we couldn't simply go back to how we were, because that's when we were arguing lots.
I think I was in the mindset of "He's not acting like my bf wa wa wa" when I should have been "I want this guy to be my bf, but he's not yet."I then deleted his numbers/whatapp so I couldn't text him. I tried to get into the feeling of "if this was someone I'd just met would I be texting him like crazy like this? No, no I would not. So Stop."
Friday night, he rang me twice, then texted LOADS, saying that he now wasn't going out on Saturday (!!) and did I want to go round after my meal. He even said I could round to his after my night out. I DIDN'T. Despite ending up in a bar ten minutes from his house, I got the night bus home which took like 45 minutes. Proud. I did see him on Saturday, we went for a late drink, then lazed around Sunday, made guacamole..
***
And now I'm up to date. There has been minimal texting this week. Which I've been fine with amazingly!! As I left him on Sunday I asked if he would be around this weekend, and he said, "Not sure, might still be away as I've got to find a house." (He's starting his job in August in a town about an hr outside of London). Which was fine. We've made no plans yet and I am fine with this. I've calmed down. I'm pretty sure he'll text tomorrow and we'll sort out something. Casual. No stress. I've switched my mindset. For now anyway....
I guess we'll see what happens. The next few months are going to be very different. I honestly don't know whether we'll last or not. I know some people who are like, "Why are you bothering? It's his first year in his job (jr dr) no one lasts that," and to be fair, I know a lot of couples who haven't lasted it. But this is OUR relationship, no one elses. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But I am at least going to TRY. It's worth that, at least.
